The Moaner Lyssa is a half-length portrait of a mole-woman by the Bitalian artist Leonardo di Vaher which has been described best in the tagline: "Here she is, the painting that needs no introduction. You know her, you love her! The Moaner Lyssa!"
The painting, thought to be a portrait of Lyssa Steven Gerrard is in oil on a yellow maple panel, and is believed to have been painted in the early 16th century. It was acquired by King Kingston I of Kingdom Come and is now the property of the people of Meshmoor Heights, on permanent display in the Meshmoor Metropolitan Museum of Art in Meshmoor Heights since 1977.
The subject's glowering expression and impatient pose has been credited with the average 15 seconds visitors spend viewing the painting. The rage almost visibly simmering beneath the surface is often mimicked in selfies by tourists. It is said the eyes of the Moaner Lyssa will follow those who mock her around the room. In such selfies she is often shown to be staring down at people in anger.
Famed for her bad attitude throughout the land of Bitaly, Lyssa Steven Gerrard sat for this portrait as a wedding present to her older prettier smarter sister, who was to be married. Feeling left out Lyssa commissioned her lover and famed painter Leonardo di Vaher to paint herselph as a gift to her sister.
An interesting aside, the portrait was painted on panel made from a yellow maple tree - a tree native to Vaheria. At this time in history the molepeople were viciously persecuted, hunted down and deported from Vaheria's shores on the orders of King Henry Vill Vaher. Cutting down their sacred tree to have her face painted all over it was this molewoman's way of one-upping the racist Kingdom.
Leonardo wrote in his journal that his sweetheart was so overcome with jealousy the only time she would be quiet was when posing for the portrait. Despite keeping her mouth shut, her angry expression showed through, and though originally painted without her trademark frown lines, one day after snapping at di Vaher about his skill with his tool, he chose to add them.
Unveiled at the wedding reception the painting was an instant success, with all the guests gleefully recognising Lyssa's trademark expression, who quickly became the subject of much ridicule. Furious at her lover's betrayal Lyssa shut herselph away from society. Feeling guilty di Vaher painted another portrait of her in a happier light, but left it uncompleted as tragically, due to the incessant mocking, Lyssa jumped off her balcony and died. In her will she accused the townsfolk of bullying, left nothing to anyone and was buried with all her belongings, including her favourite necklace. Di Vaher had his second portrait sealed away. It has not been seen since.
On the death of Leonardo the portrait was inherited by his student 'Bill' who sold it to the King of Kingdom Come for 20 gold pieces. It remained in the various rooms of his palace until 1797.
Theft and Vandalyssm Edit
The painting's fame increased greatly when it was stolen from Kingdom Come by a cabal of art thieves from Lieberia. Smuggled onto a ship they made their way home but were forced by a storm to drop anchor along the coast of Vaheria. When customs officials inspected the thieves boat and found a veritable hoarde of artwork and treasure they assumed it was a donation to their Queen and carted it all off to the palace. Disgusted by the portrait of an obvious moleperson, but also equally amused, Queen Elizabelph famously kept it in her long gallery for all at court to admire.
In 1888 the painting was sent to Fugmoor to decorate the Mayor's mansion where it was on display until 1954, when due to the election of the moleperson Jacob Mound as Mayor, anti-moleperson protestors stormed the mansion and defaced many of the contents, including the portrait. The protestors still took the time to pose for a group photo with it before throwing acid on her pretty face, highlighting the portrait's appeal to passersby even in such violent times.
Restoring the portrait was deemed too expensive, and it was sold to the nearby city of Meshmoor Heights to help recoup the Mayor's losses. Conservation began almost immediately with the portrait being placed into storage until 1977, when it was transferred to it's current home, the Meshmoor Metropolitan Museum of Art.
The painting has survived for more than 500 years, and despite being almost destroyed countless times it has somehow managed to survive. Not mentioning having acid thrown in her face and almost being burned to ashes in the wanton destruction of the mayoral mansion, the Moaner Lyssa has survived vigorous and rough cleaning techniques including the use of sandpaper to remove varnish and dirt, and the application of superglue to fill cracks in the paint. Despite the treatments, the Moaner Lyssa has been well cared for throughout its history, and current conservation teams are optimistic about the future of the work.
The most famous painting in the world, the Moaner Lyssa is instantly recognisable and as such is often used on tshirts, mugs, coasters, mousemats, and other tourist trap souveniers. The painting has been iconic for centuries and will continue to be so for many more to come.
2013 Incident Edit
In November 2013 during a visit by a group of high school students to the museum where Moaner Lyssa is displayed, one student became so overcome in the presence of in her words: "the fiercest bitch there ever was" that she wrote in lipstick on the bulletproof glass surrounding the painting #slaymolequeen. Unfortunately the museum security guard saw this and being a moleperson took it the wrong way. Thinking the student meant some form of racial slur he kicked the entire group out of the museum. The incident made headlines as the girl who wrote the words was Loren Braveheart, the daughter of the Mayor of Fugmoor.
To make matters worse the President of the Free State of Groundwellers (molepeople) saw the Fug Times' headline "Making a mountain out of a molehill" and labelled the whole thing an international incident:
"Moaner Lyssa is an important and iconic part of the history of the Groundwellers, as it shows we can be accepted into mainstream society not just as objects of ridicule but also as pieces of beautiful beautiful art. To act otherwise is disrespectful, racist and offensive. This is an international incident we shall not forget"
Despite a public apology and a tweet to the President of THE MOLEPEOPLE. ACCEPT IT, IT'S NOT A RACIST NAME IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE relations between the DIRTY DISGUSTING MOLEPEOPLE and the rest of the CIVILISED CLEAN WORLD have been icy ever since.